Personal Inventory Part I

 This was my Revolution list for 2012.

Be kinder to myself.

Be able to walk 8 miles a day by the end of the year.

Be the hottest 40 year old on the planet ( thats gonna take some work..but imma give it my best shot)

Publish at least 4 more books this year.

Write the first draft of the YA series that has been a WIP for well over three years.

Be more positive in my thinking.

Let the past go.

Allow the future to be different.

Finish at least one project a month.

Stay away from serial killers.

      I failed miserably at most of it. I am still hard on myself. I managed to get ONE book in the proof stage. Still no YA draft. My thinking is gutterlicious. The past still clings like lint to a favorite shirt. The future looks just about the same, and there have been zero projects, except the one where I put the poetry book together.

      I DID manage to stay away from serial killers. I can walk 8 miles a day ( but I dont). And I am the hottest 40 year old on the planet- but it mostly has to do with structure fires and bunker gear, not me as a person.  I will carry a few of those over to the new year, and add a few more. If at first you don't succeed, reword the goals to make them easier and eat cookies...

    

   
  

End of year cleaning

 Its been a LONG time since I posted here. As some of you know, I was being stalked online, and the fun of writing these blogs was stripped away. I think the problem has finally been solved. Unfortunately, it wasn't with a hacksaw and a shovel. However, I will take what I can get.

     I am clearing the cobwebs from my brain, and will be back shortly with my end of year personal inventory. I need to make some changes, and I think journaling the process will be kind of fun.

   See you very soon.

40 and counting...

 Today happens to be my 40th birthday. Im not exactly where I hoped I would be in life. I do my best to be grateful for what I have, because there are people who have much less, struggle more, and go to bed hungry. I imagine they aren't where they thought they would be either...

    Over the years, I have done some really stupid things. Interestingly enough, those stupid things led me to broader horizons.I can only hope my greatest achievements do not come from the insipidly dumb things I do. That would be irony, no? But it would be inline with the way the rest of my life is going.  I look to the future with squinty eyes and a brave hope for better.

     I have learned some very important things over the years. Sometimes I forget what I've learned, and need the lesson over again. Its never a pleasant thing, either. So here is a list to remind me, and maybe to save you some heartache down the line.

     * Foremost is to never take someone you love for granted.
     * People will never forget words spoken in anger.
     * Mean what you say, and keep your word.
     * The cruelest thing you can do is make someone doubt themselves.
     * No one ever lies for the sake of another's feelings, no matter what they tell themselves.
     * The people you love in your life are more important than your sense of righteousness. " Is it better to be right, or to be in love?" ~ Lewis P. Hicks.
     * Forgiving doesn't  mean you have to forget, it means you have to let it go.
     * People will change, if you allow it. The trick is figuring out whether it's a change for the better.
     * Truth is your best friend. It's easy enough to get along with if you accept all its faults.
     *  "I'm sorry." doesn't fix anything past the age of 14. Better to be careful with your actions and words, than to have to live with them the rest of your life.
     * A person's heart is not a toy. Treat it with dignity and respect.
     *  If you can't be honest, be quiet.
     *  The best thing about this world is the people in it, and they are irreplaceable. Stuff is just stuff.


 

A word of advice...

   Today my friend, G , changed his 'cover' photo on Facebook to a picture of himself and his wife. Nothing unusual, is it? Except that his wife passed away nearly a year ago. He never goes more than a week without posting an old photo, or maybe a memory of her to his page. And once or twice, even a poem dealing with his grief over losing her.
     This is a man who worked with many lovely ladies over the years, as an editor of a gentleman's magazine. ( And if you know who I am speaking of, please, for his privacy do not mention his name.) Still, of all the beautiful women he came to know, he believed his wife to be the most beautiful, and remained faithful to her through their long marriage, and even now through her death. And never once did he seem to take what time he had with her for granted; he is only sad that it couldn't be more.

    I talk sometimes with friends and family who are married (or long term) and,  for one silly reason or another, on the outs with their mates. For example, my sister was recently in the same town with her husband( they both travel a great deal for business), but both were in angry moods and neither were going to budge to see the other.  I imagine G would give anything to be in their shoes, if only for a moment. 

   So often you take the person you love most for granted. You believe that you have moments to throw away, to waste on foolishness, because there will be another moment to come. Maybe I've experienced loss enough to understand that the moments you throw away are the ones you regret the most.  When you've lost that person- through death or life changes- you mourn those precious seconds and hours that you could have had, and didn't take.  You agonize over every priceless opportunity you left at your front step. It is those moments that haunt you, that leave you breathless with grief.

  If you only take a single bit of advice from me, take this:
 
    Every moment you have is a moment you will not get back. So fill those moments with as much happiness and love and you can. You only get that chance once. And all the anger, and  the resentment, and the spite will only come back to hurt you.  Life is not guaranteed. Time is not disposable, and Love is worth everything. Don't waste any of them.

           

memories
like my tears
are
left puddled
at your feet.

*sigh*

        I was abnormally close to my children when they were small. I couldn't think of anything better than spending all my time with them. They were my best friends, and we did everything together.
         I hated when my son started school, but I had my daughter, so it wasn't so bad.  But when my daughter started kindergarten it killed me. I used to beg them to stay home from school and play with me. Natalie would put her hands on my face and kiss my nose and tell me, " No mommy, we HAVE to go to school."
   One morning the kids brought me a stack of coloring books and crayons, and told me to color some pages, and then the time would seem to go faster. Of course I did, just to make them happy, and when they got home Nat put them on the fridge, and put gold stars on them.

  *sigh*

My children are all grown now. My son is almost 21, my baby girl 18.  And they have grown into the most wonderful people. Caring, and kind hearted. Smart, generous, and loving. Everything a parent could hope to see in their child's character. They are amazing.

   But every now and then, like tonight, I miss my little guys so much. I miss Natalie cuddling up in bed beside, and Jareth's random 'hug mommy' attacks. I miss playing with them when they would sit in the front of the shopping cart.  I miss hearing their little voices in the backseat singing along to Trent Reznor or The Cure.  I miss going for walks, and laying in the driveway in the middle of the night to look at the stars. I miss holding their tiny little hands and  Jareth telling Natalie " Hold Mommy's hand so I can go potty. She'll get scared if you lose her." Every time he went potty  when we were in a store( which for a 7 year old, was a LOT). I miss their tiny little faces and good night kisses and watching them sleep...

  Where does all the time go?

And why does it have to go so fast?

  

Valentine's Day is coming...

...and I really dont care.
　
  I wont be the only person alone, and it isnt going to kill me. Hell, it wont even hurt a bit. Its not like Im not equally alone the other 365 ( leap year!) days this year. One more day is a drop in the bucket. It doesnt mean I am less loved; and should I spend the day with a date, it also won't mean I am more loved. It makes me kind of sad to know how important this day is to a lot of people. I wonder why this has to be a day of selfish acts of love. Why not make it about sharing the love you have with as many people as you can?


    I  wish I had the money to go buy a bunch of Valentines cards, though, and take them up to the senior center..or the children's hospital in Savannah. I'd like to stick them on the windshields of veterans, and send even more to the military overseas. I'd love to bring them to the widow(er)s, and the parents, of soldiers who have died in service. I'd like to take them to shut-ins, and the rehab facility. Maybe even visit the Dialysis Center, or the Oncology building.  Why not show those who often get forgotten that they, too, are loved?

       Maybe this is a project I will work on for next year.

Damn..gonna need a LOT of glitter...

Apology

I cannot grant
      forgiveness
            as easily
   as you bestow 'sorries'.
     My words hold weight,
     they have meaning,
   unlike any 'sorry'
    you have ever spoken.
 You kneel at my feet
    to plead your
      regret.
   Now you see
    what you have lost.
 what you threw away.
    Now you feel
  the absence
      of something
     truly spectacular,
        and rare.
   You lift your eyes to mine
        you whisper
            you beg

          and I turn away.

     'Sorry' isn't currency

     accepted by this broken soul.

       And forgiveness costs

              far more

      than any atonement

         you offer

             on bent knee.

Saturday Smilies..

As told on Sunday ...

   * Laena has a new pic a day project. YAY!!
   * an unexpected phone call
   * no blood pressure..Im half alien!!
   * two more chapters into the story
   * A new poetry book set for Valentine's day
   * Time for growing!
   *  Awesome house fried rice at the local Chinese take out. mmm
  

 

Too old...

   You're too old
 for coloring books
 and playing with toys
  and staying up all night

  you're too old
 to listen music
that pounds out of speakers
  in cars teenagers drive.

 You're too old
  to dance like that
in stiletto heels
  and jeans that are skin tight

  You're too old
 for dying your hair
in those garish shades
  of purple and blues.

   you're too old
to go back to school
 to change your life
  to learn something new.

While that may all be true
   it also means Im
   MUCH  too old
to listen to someone
    tell me what I can
          and cannot
                  do.