Love cannot live...

 ...in the shadows of distrust.


   I lost the battle today. For almost 7 months I have been trying to salvage a very broken and battered friendship. The saddest part, is that neither of us wanted to let it go.We just couldn't make it work. We would be fine for a week or two at a time, but those shadows would always come creeping back in. So I did us both a favor, and gave him an out. Its the second hardest thing I have ever done- im never one to just give up. Walking away goes against everything I know. Everything Ive learned in my life says you dont walk away from someone that matters. I just don't know what else I could have done, and we were emotionally wrecking each other. I think, in all honesty, its the only compassionate thing I could have done.

   Its hard to let go, though, of someone who knows everything about you. And he did. All the good and bad. He's seen me at my worst, and my best. He was there to support me, and help me through, even if he didnt always know the right thing to say. He wanted to help, and thats what mattered to me most of all...
  
 Or at least I thought he did.

 But I was wrong. He suddenly and inexplicably left me on my ass during the worst time of my life. My life was completely failing apart. I needed him. He was the only person I ever trusted enough to fully lean on, and fuck I needed that safety net, and he was gone.

   All because he had a secret he didnt want me to know.

   A month later his secret came to light, and we started working on repairing what we had. But the circumstances, and the betrayal ..its just more than I can handle. I trusted him completely, and he let me down.He betrayed me. If he had just told me the truth from the start. I would have been angry, but I would have understood, and we could have repaired it all. It would have been hard, but not like this.

    The only time I felt anything but pain, was when I argued with him. And the anger was relief. But it never lasted long enough. I could never stay angry at him, and angry was what I needed to get through. But I can't destroy someone else just to make myself feel better. And not him. Regardless of anything else he's done, I cannot keep hurting him.

So this is better. It hurts like nothing Ive ever known, and honestly, I dont know where to go from here. But it has to be better than what we were doing to each other. Maybe....just maybe... in some distant time, we can find ourselves ready to find each other again.
  
  Maybe in time, if I can learn to forgive, and more importantly, forget.. maybe there's a chance we can work things out again.