dammit!!

 I meant to make a post Saturday about all the things that made me smile last week. And I didnt. Because Im a loser. Who attracts crazy people.

   *sigh*


I'll post it, but change the date, and hopefully this coming week I will post correctly.


 Because I have OCD and I have to post it in the right order, thats why.


Quit judging me!!!

( sorry you had to witness that. The voices in my head dont understand me)

Things that made me smile...

  As part of my New Years Revolutions I am noticing, writing down , taking pictures of, and enjoying, things that make me smile during my week. I will post every Saturday, and I hope you will share the things that make you smile with me. Thank you Laena, for inspiring me with your Instamatic Mondays. See, optimism CAN be contagious :-)

 Here is this week's list:

* Spending New Year's Eve with my daughter.
* Accomplishing my goals for the first day of the year ( now for the rest of it!)
* A really great unexpected review of my book from a friend
* Hearing from Andy who is currently on a sub somewhere in the depths of the ocean
* Making inroads to repairing an important friendship.
* speaking to two longtime internet friends on the phone for the first time
* making my walking goal on 5 of the 7 days I had planned.
* a gorgeous 23 year old man telling me I have a great ass ( ok, its vain..but still)
* My friend Erik. Pretty much every time I talk to him. He's a funny guy :-)
* (drunk) - type it into skype just like that, you'll see why I laugh
* 192.4 ( I'll blog about that later, maybe)
and last, but not least...
   
 * I survived the serial killer. ( yeah, theres a story there. Ill tell it to you one day.)


So these are all the things that made me smile this week. Wanna compare lists?

The blogs that never were...

   
 I always have such good ideas to talk about. And then I come here, start writing, and end up with garbage. I could talk about internet dating, or writing smut, or the best porn sites on the web. I could talk about fetishes, or saggy boobs and how much I hate gravity, or even drag on about my own personal heartache ( yeah, so not ready to talk about that yet) . I could tell you about The Scot, or the meaning of V, and describe for you the most perfect kiss. I could pour my heart out about love, and relationships, and goats in fishnet stockings. Or even lament about the evils of cookies and bacon, and ponder the reasons why there are NO BACON FLAVORED COOKIES!?!?!?!? ( Its a conspiracy, surely)

  But it never ends up on this blog. I have such good intentions when I come here, but they all go flying out the window within the first few sentences.

   I need to work on that.

What If...

 I have been following the blog of a young girl with cancer. She is undergoing a last ditch effort of radiation, but her prognosis is not good. At 16,  she is probably in the last year of her life.

Alice has a bucket list, and most things have been checked off. She's started a charity. She's pushing for everyone who is eligible to be registered bone marrow donors. She lives with Death at her doorstep, and she finds the strength and courage to not only face him, but to push past him and carry on with her mission. She is my hero.  Check her out sometime. She's quite inspiring.
 
 And she got me thinking, if I knew this was the very last year I would have to live, what would I do with it? What would I want to accomplish most ? What would be the most important goal for me, personally?
                     What would YOU do?

New Years Revolutions...

 Every  new year we make promises to ourselves- usually we are promising to treat ourselves better in some way; eat healthier, workout more, get our debt under control, spend more time with the kids.. etc, etc..

   I wish this was going to be a blog about how I'm not falling for it this year. But the truth is, I made my promises a long time ago. I'm just trying to catch up.

  I turn forty this year. I'm not really looking forward to it. Not that I am concerned about aging. I'm not. Most people think I'm in my late twenties, and since I rarely behave older than 12, I think I can keep fooling them for awhile ;-)   My fear is running out of time, and I am no where near where I want to be in life. I have to keep reminding myself that I am way further along than I was two years ago. But it is still very depressing to think of how long the road is before me.  I sometimes feel the longer I travel, the further that road gets. I must be taking the long way around..

I have a lot of things I want to accomplish this year. A lot of projects that sit half finished need to be either purged or completed. I need to get myself back in school- hopefully for my RN, but I would take anything that can get me a little further down that road.  I need to get back to Missouri and figure out what I'm going to do with my broken little house, and with my life there. I need to work on my health, and my rehab, and making sure I cut out all the contributors I can to my developing Type II Diabetes. Four generations right up to my mother have developed it. It ends with her. I will not be another link in that chain. I also want to try to write about something good every day. Whether I post it or not. I need to learn to count the blessings around me.

 I have a lot of work to do it would seem.


I will be making a list later,you might see it up in the sidebar if you visit my blog. I'll check the things off I complete, and adding things as I go.  Its going to be a busy year.

   I hope you all have arrived alive and well, and that your coming days are bright and shiny, and you have much in your lives to be happy about. I know this has been a difficult year in many ways, for so many of you. I hope we can all find something to smile about this year. If you do,  I hope you share it with me!!

My year in review..

 Could this year have possibly sucked any more than it did?

 No.

Really, no.

Stalkers,  con men, and a  broken heart,  Oh my!

I could list all the bad things that have happened, but really, who wants to read it? I lived it. I survived. Im trying to move on.
 meh.

  But it wasnt ALL bad..

I published a book. Its now up for sale on Amazon:

You can get it here...


I met some really amazing people.

Christine

Laena



Vincent



Andy



 At least one of those are destined to break my heart. And the others will likely be there to tape it back together, because that is just how awesome they are.


   
I learned a new skill:

  

Got to watch this

  

 Grow into this
        




Gypsy



 And gained a lot of insight, experience, and supporters, including all of you who read my blogs. I was broken into a million pieces this year. But I really am living through it, and learning to get by , a day at a time.  Here is hoping all of you find whatever it is you are looking for in the new year.

To you, to life, and to the new year. Live it well.

I did it.

I published Words Left Bleeding.
 
 I don't know what might be worse...people reading it and hating it..or people NOT reading it. . Either way, it's out in the world now...

 Im really trying not to hyperventilate. One of the most intimate and wrenching things I have ever written..out there, for anyone to see.. Yeesh..

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/115804

It has been an interesting experience, and I am both inspired to create more..and dreading it. I kind of hope I get the bug..you know..that need to publish I hear so many writers get. Maybe it will prod me into writing more often.

     Or...maybe Ill just sit in this corner and hyperventilate some more..

    

Sooo...

 I have finally collected the 30 poems I needed to put into my 'book'. The cover is done, the blurbs are written, and all that is left  to do is to format them properly for publishing.
  
     I have bled my heart onto those digital pages for two months, and I am starting to get the cold sweats thinking about  other people reading my words- especially when those words are so personal.

   A few in the collection I have posted here, and on the other blogs. But not many. Most are new, and have not been read before, which adds to my worry. They are untried, untested. They are words without a net. It's very nerve wracking.

  anyway..here's the cover. I will post the link to the book when it's been listed, if you care to read it.

©Vivid X Photography
 

Awesomeness!!!

 I don't normally pimp out authors on my blog..HOWEVER.. Gina Ranalli is offering an amazing giveaway on her website http://www.ginaranalli.com/ .  If you've never read Gina Ranalli, I highly suggest you start. She's one of the best and I don't say that lightly...

 So..go enter and win! or not win..I want those books!!!

Thanksgiving Whine

Eleven years ago today, I was in a homeless shelter with my 5 year old daughter, and my 7 year old son. We had been burned out of an apartment, and staying with my sister in law when the home she was renting withstood damage from a  hurricane, and we all had to leave.

  I was there for 9 months. I worked full time, went to school full time, and raised my kids on whatever time I had left. It wasn't much. I maintained a 4.0 GPA, and took advantage of every opportunity I had. 

And as far as I have come from that dark time in my life, it seems that I haven't gotten much of anywhere at all. I am almost 40 and haven't accomplished any of the goals I have set out to obtain. I've mostly enjoyed my life along the way, so I'm not really complaining so much as lecturing myself for letting time get so far away from me. I have so much to do, and not so much time left to do it...

 I want to go back to school. I want to get back to Missouri where I belong. I want to finally find the peace Ive been looking for all these years... *sigh*...

   I AM very thankful for the things I have. I am safe, warm, well fed, and loved( I hope). There are so many who don't have half of that, and I am too aware of that fact to complain overly much. I just need to be more aware of what I let pass me by....

Time is not my friend. And I am far too passive in my own life. Its time I take control and start living it...